Loss and Hope

Assalammualaikum wbt, here I am again, neglecting my blog like I always been, and always will be, well what's new? It's 2025 now, marks 3 years since I last updated. No new kids along the way, phewww. Still happily married, with the same person, hahaha and still same number of kids! As usual, the same excuses; been busy with life, a growing soon to be a teenager, with a baby-toddler in tow, I am lucky if I can get to apply a night cream before bed time! Life's been tough but blessed, I am older now, but this blog is always held a special place in my heart somewhere deep down. Because it is like an old, but safe place for me to come back to, rereading old posts, and serve as a reminder of how much I've grown and how much life has changed since, and sadly, how some people I loved are no longer with me.. That's 2025 for a start.

My beloved Nenek, has peacefully passed away recently, in August 11 to be exact. Although I always imagining, replaying the scene of the day "what if" Nenek passed away, and no matter how much you thought you have prepared for the loss, nothing can't beat the unbearable feeling when it is actually happened. I just can't describe the grief and the pain, and up to this day, exactly 2 months after her passing, I still crying whenever I think of her, or when I see whatever that reminds me of her. Which is hard because she is literally staying with me alternately for the past 5 years since 2020, and every corner of my house has that glimpse and memory of her.. 

It is happening so quick, and I can't actually believe she is really gone, but as Muslim, we have to accept, this is part of life. And here I am, grieving and sad, but this grief and pain is my love to her. For a week, I didn't cry, but at the same time, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, to the point I had to be rushed to the hospital/clinic for a few times for a drip, and to be prescribed a sleeping pill. My body were in a shock state, and eventually it give in when my husband get an Ustaz to help me with it.. My parents stayed with me for a week to give a support, and in fact there was a day I had to turn help from my neighbour to send me to the hospital. 

I am yes still crying to this day, but life must go on, and I've been blessed to get the opportunity to take care of her with my best ability and to provide for her needs.. Lately, my mind keep replaying the memories of my childhood, the old home where I grew up in, and the memories of her and wondering, was she happy with her life? Was she proud of me? Part of me left with her too on the day she passed, but I know I have to be strong if it's not for me, for my children. Al-Fatihah my Nenek, Norshahkawi Binti Nawi.