This is a headline in our country recently. It is so heartbreaking to have read such news and touched me deep. Why? Because I also experienced a depression post-natal. Yes, it's no joke guys. I even uploaded a status on my Facebook and it's kind of shocking to have known there are actually many people experience this.
My delivery experience is quite dramatic, well I guess everyone also does..seriously, there's nothing easy delivering a baby. That is why syurga itu di bawah tapak kaki ibu! Before giving birth, I thought that the motherhood would become a breeze and beautiful, with baby sleeping in my arms, breastfeeding him would be an easy task, pantang would become a spa session and so on. How beautiful right? Just like in the commercial. The word meroyan never crossed my mind, heck, I'd even made fun of it (how I have regretted!).
I did my confinement ritual at my parent's house, note, you should be at where the most comfort you would be and I am glad I did that choice. My parents in law are kind and we even staying with them, but for my confinement, I only wanted my own family to see the bad and ugly of me because I've been told that we will be emotionally unstable. To tell you frankly, when I was in hospital, I was still in shock and couldn't 100% accept what has just happened to me. I thought I would have a pleasant normal delivery, just like in the movie when the doctor says "push, then walllahhh...here's your baby and you may kiss him now". With the physical change and the pain (I was emergency caesarean) plus with a crazy contractions beforehands, all I wanted to do is just rest and I'll collect my baby at counter please. What is baby-bonding?! I am tired with the operation and I am not ready to change diapers yet, I can't even carry my baby for longer time. Too bad the hospital where I gave birth isn't husband friendly...yet, so, I gotta do this alone!
Things got even worse when I got home. Breastfeeding is such a struggle. My baby had a bad bad bad colic. Thought I gave him enough milk but he is still hungry. Yes, I admit, lack of knowledge in breastfeeding before delivering costed me a lot. My baby also got jaundice, and a newborn should be fed every 2 hours but, there were nights when he slept through the night without feeding and I was just so tired to even wake him up. I feel very guilty when I think about it now and then. Due to caesarian, I couldn't move much and it really hurts me when I am trying to. Husband? Yes, he was there but barely because he was at his new job and tell you, that job was really taking its toll on him. He got very stressed and travel long distance a lot. We both tired and still do not exactly know how to handle this tiny little stranger we produced. There were days when he was away and all burden were on me (my whole family is working during the day). There were also days when I was left alone at house and tell you, that was the weakest point of me. You know, you were dirty and unable to pray, there were a lot of bad thoughts and bad dreams coming to ya. Some more, with the pressure from so-called-perfect-mothers on social medias and the breastfeeding groups, made me even pressured and felt like I was a useless mother.
It was never a breeze moment. All I knew at that time were tiredness, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, failure as mother (because of the C-sect), useless (for not producing milk) and yada yada. I think, if there were no support from my family, only God knows what will happen to myself. I always had a very bad dream and ever since that, I moved my sleeping place to living hall and yes, I felt better. During senja, I would recite Selawat and Zikir, Alhamdulillah, it soothed me.There were days when I suddenly cried, vomiting and even refused to hold my crying baby. MasyaAllah, I really didn't knew what came to my mind then. I even yelled at my crying baby when we were two alone at home because I was really clueless what he wanted! So bad of me huh? It sounded like I am really a bad mother but I believe, with this confession, I want to let all mothers know, whoever had this kind of experience, you are not alone.
To add, with my baby's jaudice, I also had to stay in the hospital. Man, he was so clingy and doesn't want to be put down. How can he heal when he's always wanted to be in my arms rather than under the light? After discharged, his Birubilin read didn't drop, and again, few more trips to hospital and Klinik Kesihatan. Been here and there during confinement, with lack of sleep and no milk, without my husband too, sure did made me depressed even more.
My confinement lady played a big role during my confinement. Everyday, I look forward for her to come so I can at least talked to her. She was really helpful and could be the really one to cheer you up again. Although it is quite expensive, but I think it's worth. She pampered me and being my friend throughout my confinement. Her massage sure made me relax but when she got home, left me and my baby alone, again, I started to feel lonely and lost.
So, I really think it is important for new mothers especially to have company at all times. And support. If you ever come to visit ladies in their confinement, please watch your words and understand their feelings. They are the most sensitive and fragile at that point of time. I don't understand why some people who came to visit like to compare their own experience and condemn the new mothers on what she does, what she doesn't know, how she handles the baby and stuffs? Please, give space and support. Orang tu dah lah baru bertarung nyawa, korang sedap-sedap je nak komen macam-macam alangkan awak tu perfect parents sangat duhh. I even got remark that I ended up getting a c-sect because I've sinned towards my husband!! Oh my, what was on your freaking twisted mind?
It is funny to think sometime that these type of people has so many spree times to mind other people's businesses. They maybe feel superior to condemn the mother newbies at any opportunities. And I am not ashamed to admit, I fell to be the victim. Please, untuk semua bakal ibu out there, prepare youself, brace yourself and pekakkan telinga if anyone trying to tell you this and that. You are the mother and your kids are your right! Hope my story here will make you better and remember that you are not alone. It could happen to anyone.
