2025 Life Updates

Since I am missing out few years in this blog, there are a lot to catch up on! I know with social medias these days, it is easier just to put on pictures and walla! But there is something comforting re-reading old entries, the stories that were elaborated one's events that I do not recall or remember anymore which follow these responses as well; "I actually did that?!", "I actually felt that?!", or mostly "I was that dumb? That was lame". Hahaha. 

I am 38 this year, and I started this blog in 2009, that was 16 years ago?! Wow just wow. I am definitely older, and hopefully wiser, and of course my writing has been different as for my perspectives in life too. A LOT has happened, a LOT has changed, but with this age, what matters most is my family. I don't give an F about most things too, at least materially and most importantly I braved myself to cut ties to some people too and I don't actually regret that. My children, Hanif is 11 this year, and Maryam is 3. Time flies so fast, I now had few greys on my hair duhhh (but my husband has it more and earlier.. hehe), and the wrinkles started getting obvious too! And now latest update, I think my eyesight is started to get blurry. Yes, old.

Regrets? Yes, I had few, especially with my Nenek, of course the pain is still new with her recent passing, I tried to make peace with it, telling myself that I had done my best, and I've done enough with everything I can, and luckily, I have a great support system from my husband and family. Maybe one of my best memory, I get to drive her on my own, just few weeks before she passed.. (had my driver license at the age of 35..) 

I also have many what ifs.. of course, and few bad decisions but hey, I am still thankful and grateful, that I am blessed with everything I had now. My career has been few turning points, of course there are ups and downs, but as a working class people, we made a best out of it. I wasn't born on a silver platter, everyday is a hustle for me and to give the best for our children and to prepare them for the world. Parenting is tough and sometimes I break down too, feeling that I have not done enough. But I have read somewhere, if you always feeling that way, means you are on the right path. 

I don't really remember what happened in 2023 though haha! But I think job has been a bit tough with the restructuring and had to move to a different office, new colleagues and new boss. But the sweetest of all, I get to attend Harry Styles live in Bangkok on his L.O.V.E world tour. Shall update my past life around the concert I attended then hahaha. It was the BEST concert I have ever attended and I would repeat that in a heartbeat! I plan to make a special entry on this but nahhh with all the promises I made before, I don't think I will complete it, plus I can't remember the details except that I had LOADS of fun! 

In 2024, life hits quite hard to us, we were tested financially especially when my husband were laid off from P without any compensation. We had to rely on single income for a couple of months. This really taking a great toll on both of us especially my husband, he was shattered, demotivated, but I know giving up is never in his book. He tirelessly working on finding jobs day and night and finally settled with a company that paid half of what he used to get, but life must go on and we working out our lifestyle to fit the budget. Nevertheless I am still thankful that Allah swt is still looking out to us, we still have the roof, food on our plate, and bills/mortgages/commitments are still being paid despite maybe with some ehemm late charges ehemm. And oh, we also get a chance to attend Coldplay live in Singapore in January. One of the concert that I have been eagerly wanting to attend since forever. 

That is what I can think of for a moment a little update in a nutshell. I try to write more, if I be able to, for me to rereading it in the future, and when life hits me hard again, I can go back to this blog and revisit the happy memories. To remind myself that I can do this, I can do this life, I can get through this. To know that I am blessed, I am loved, and life loved me too. Till then :) 

Loss and Hope

Assalammualaikum wbt, here I am again, neglecting my blog like I always been, and always will be, well what's new? It's 2025 now, marks 3 years since I last updated. No new kids along the way, phewww. Still happily married, with the same person, hahaha and still same number of kids! As usual, the same excuses; been busy with life, a growing soon to be a teenager, with a baby-toddler in tow, I am lucky if I can get to apply a night cream before bed time! Life's been tough but blessed, I am older now, but this blog is always held a special place in my heart somewhere deep down. Because it is like an old, but safe place for me to come back to, rereading old posts, and serve as a reminder of how much I've grown and how much life has changed since, and sadly, how some people I loved are no longer with me.. That's 2025 for a start.

My beloved Nenek, has peacefully passed away recently, in August 11 to be exact. Although I always imagining, replaying the scene of the day "what if" Nenek passed away, and no matter how much you thought you have prepared for the loss, nothing can't beat the unbearable feeling when it is actually happened. I just can't describe the grief and the pain, and up to this day, exactly 2 months after her passing, I still crying whenever I think of her, or when I see whatever that reminds me of her. Which is hard because she is literally staying with me alternately for the past 5 years since 2020, and every corner of my house has that glimpse and memory of her.. 

It is happening so quick, and I can't actually believe she is really gone, but as Muslim, we have to accept, this is part of life. And here I am, grieving and sad, but this grief and pain is my love to her. For a week, I didn't cry, but at the same time, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, to the point I had to be rushed to the hospital/clinic for a few times for a drip, and to be prescribed a sleeping pill. My body were in a shock state, and eventually it give in when my husband get an Ustaz to help me with it.. My parents stayed with me for a week to give a support, and in fact there was a day I had to turn help from my neighbour to send me to the hospital. 

I am yes still crying to this day, but life must go on, and I've been blessed to get the opportunity to take care of her with my best ability and to provide for her needs.. Lately, my mind keep replaying the memories of my childhood, the old home where I grew up in, and the memories of her and wondering, was she happy with her life? Was she proud of me? Part of me left with her too on the day she passed, but I know I have to be strong if it's not for me, for my children. Al-Fatihah my Nenek, Norshahkawi Binti Nawi.